THE ARCHETYPAL BRASS BAND
Eb Soprano cornet
Too
loud, usually out of tune. Convinced he has the most difficult part
in the band.
Principal cornet
Conceited - uses
too much vibrato.
Second man down or "bumper
upper"
Either thinks
he would make a better principal, or hero worships the principal.
Third man down
Loud brutal musical
thug with lots of stamina and no finesse.
Fourth man down
Like the third
man down, only louder and thicker.
Repiano cornet
Waiting for a
chance to play principal.
2nd cornets
Hesitant, out
of tune but can play a bottom C.
3rd cornets
Loud, out of tune
but can play a bottom G.
Flugel horn
Plays flat. Can't
decide whether to be a cornet or a horn.
Solo horn
Usually a girlie
- irrespective of whether a male or a female player.
Tenor horns
Can play a unison
tone in tune if one of them is dead.
1st Baritone
Useless player,
out of tune all the time.
2nd Baritone
Even worse player.
Only there to show what the first Baritone could do if he tried.
Euphoniums
Show-off and trainee
Show-off.
1st Trombone
Steam driven.
Rasps most of the time.
2nd Trombone
Sloppy player,
but can rasp even at pianissimo.
Bass trombone
Chainsaw with
vibrato.
Eb Basses
Look like two
drunken farts.
Bb Basses
Sound like two
drunken farts.
Percussion
Have lots of noisy
toys which must be used in the most inappropriate way possible. Must
be totally incapable of producing a swing rhythm.
Conductor
So devoid of musical
ability that he thinks the above shower sounds good.
